Monthly Archives: August 2011

At least it’s a dry heat

This was around two in the afternoon on Sunday.

We were facing the southeast if that makes a difference.

And this is tonight around 9 p.m.

(traveling south by southwest)

This is the drought map.

We’re right smack in the middle of exceptional.

Of course, we are.

Did you hear about the new Texas rain gauges they’re sellin’? It’s a bottle cap on top of a fence post.

It actually rained last week.

For about five minutes.

Have you ever gotten a frying pan really hot on the stove and then flicked some water into it?

It was kind of like that.

We had some visitors from Virginia a couple weeks ago. As they were driving down through this great state late at night they decided to roll down the windows and get some fresh air. They choked and quickly rolled them back up.

It kind of made me laugh out loud. Sorry, Virginians.

Supposedly, we’re supposed to get some rain this weekend and the weather is supposed to break into the high 90s.

Oh boy! Hold this while I go get my coat on.

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Filed under Playing the Tourist, That's just gross, This is going to be really funny one day

Headline News: Infant sits on big sister and almost crushes her

Except that she insisted on holding him for the picture and he looks kind of annoyed.

(Third birthday party. More pictures to come.)

(I hope.)

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Filed under Aren't my kids funny?, Boys will be boys

It’s official.

I’m a houseplant killer.

I know it’s hard to believe that someone who has managed to keep five kids and a husband alive for this long could kill any and all houseplants, but it’s true.

In fact, I’m so good at killing them, I’m thinking of teaching an online class.

Funny Friendship Ecard: I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

And I won’t even charge you.

That’s how passionate I am about it.

Plus, I’ll still get rich and famous, because I’m planning to bring a bunch of dandelions and bamboo and mint and stuff into the house, kill them, bottle up my magic potion and then sell it on late night infomercials.

And then I’ll have a Killing Houseplants for Dummies book.

And then a little workbook, with discussion questions and hands-on experiments that anyone can replicate in their own state-of-the-art-laboratory. Maybe you can have it in your book club?

And then I’ll probably do an audio book.

And maybe a follow-up How-to book on Wiping out the Rain forests or something.

And then when it comes out in paperback, you’ll see someone reading it on the beach and think, I knew that girl before she got rich and famous. Back when all she knew how to kill was the “easy” houseplants like succulents.

Yeah.

Sigh.

Hey, did you hear that my 6-week-old is 14 lbs?

Hmmm.

Another book deal maybe?

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, I confess, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

So that I don’t have to change the name of my blog to “Look how big my baby is”

Shall we talk about Felicity?

She has slightly altered the names she calls her brothers.

There is “Talvin”, the artist formerly known as “Volvo”.

Then “Yes”, formerly of the moniker, “Ya”.

And “Manet” is still just “Manet”.

The new kid in town has two names according to Felicity.

He goes by “Baby boy” and “Ennis”.

She refers to herself as “Iddy”.

When she wants someone to tuck her into bed she says, “Come night-night me.”

And once when we were out walking, she got left behind a little bit and she came running up, “Mom! You bye-bye me!”

When she’s finished with her food she proclaims, “I wished.”

And have I told you that she has basically regressed in her potty-training? It started before Ethan arrived but no amount of shaming (“only babies go potty in their pants”) or bribing (Stickers, candy, new necklace) have helped for more than a day. But I refuse to use diapers so she changes her clothes multiple times a day.

Which, now that I think about it, might very well be the whole point.

 

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Filed under Aren't my kids funny?, Girls are not boys, These are the things I want to remember

How to lose the baby weight, quickly and easily, every time

You guys, I promise this will work.

Step one: pick up the baby.

Step two: step on the scale.

Step three: Now this is the tricky part, step off the scale, put the baby down and then step back on.

Congratulations! You just lost 14 lbs!

(Yes, six weeks=14 lbs. Dude. Who is feeding this kid?)

(Don’t answer that.)

Pat yourself on the back and repeat as necessary.

Don’t have your own baby? Grab your dog or someone’s toddler.

Results may vary. Void where prohibited. Not recommended for use with cats or hamsters.

(The fluff is very deceiving.)

You don't get these kind of cheeks by sleeping all day. Wait....never mind.

6 Comments

Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Boys will be boys, She's having a baby, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

Tomboys R us

I don’t think it would surprise anyone, and many could attest to the fact that I was a tomboy growing up.

Felicity? Not so much.

Yes, she’s trying to curl her eyelashes.

At least she knows to do it before the mascara.

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Filed under Aren't my kids funny?, Girls are not boys