It’s official.

I’m a houseplant killer.

I know it’s hard to believe that someone who has managed to keep five kids and a husband alive for this long could kill any and all houseplants, but it’s true.

In fact, I’m so good at killing them, I’m thinking of teaching an online class.

Funny Friendship Ecard: I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

And I won’t even charge you.

That’s how passionate I am about it.

Plus, I’ll still get rich and famous, because I’m planning to bring a bunch of dandelions and bamboo and mint and stuff into the house, kill them, bottle up my magic potion and then sell it on late night infomercials.

And then I’ll have a Killing Houseplants for Dummies book.

And then a little workbook, with discussion questions and hands-on experiments that anyone can replicate in their own state-of-the-art-laboratory. Maybe you can have it in your book club?

And then I’ll probably do an audio book.

And maybe a follow-up How-to book on Wiping out the Rain forests or something.

And then when it comes out in paperback, you’ll see someone reading it on the beach and think, I knew that girl before she got rich and famous. Back when all she knew how to kill was the “easy” houseplants like succulents.



Hey, did you hear that my 6-week-old is 14 lbs?


Another book deal maybe?



Filed under Apparently I have no shame, I confess, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

2 responses to “It’s official.

  1. Mom

    When we were there last week, I was going to say something about your brown and shriveled cacti, but I didn’t want to rub it in. They did look bad…kinda dead actually. The baby, on the other hand is quite well nurished! Mr. French and the older kids looked pretty good, too. Good thing you don’t need a green thumb to raise family.

  2. Gene Dewell

    Since you are getting into the book selling business how would you like to sell mine?

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