Category Archives: Apparently I have no shame

Black thumbs

I thought we could use an update on my especially dark shade of black thumbs.

A new friend invited us to go to the Botanical Gardens with her and her family and while we were there, they were giving away little pots of herbs.

For free. (What are they thinking? Do they even care about plants?)

Against my better judgement, I let the kids pick out two. (Just two, I figured we should spare some lives.) We picked up a basil plant and a lavender plant.

My friend mentioned that she was a great plant killer, to which I exclaimed that I was better and we decided we should have a dual and see who could kill them faster.

Let me tell you, I am so winning this thing.

Can you see it? It’s the shriveled thing in the middle, the color of dirt. Yeah, I think that’s what lavender is supposed to look like.

Also? It’s the same pot the other plants were in. So, it’s obviously the pot. I mean, nobody can be this good at killing plants.

BTW, my friend is also quite skilled at moving, as her husband is also a contractor and it just now occurred to me that there could be a connection being moving a lot and black thumbs. I wonder if I could get my Ph.D. studying the connection? My thesis could be The Effects of Moving on the Extinction of the Botanics.

I think I probably should have left that last sentence in my head.

Anyway, the only thing killing me in the competition is this guy:

It appears to be growing.

And I don’t know what to do.

So, I’m doing nothing.

And that’s how I know I’m going to win.

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Moving is my hobby, Why does no one get my jokes?

Super powers

In my next life, I’d like to have the takes-good-pictures-of-kids-and-animals super power.

I mean, if we get to choose.

I don’t have that super power.

Yet.

My super power is being able to leave dishes in the sink until the next meal.

Well, it’s something I’m trying out. I’m actually not that good at it yet. But, I’m trying.

Come to think of it, I’m really good at not getting overwhelmed by the laundry.

I think it’s quite a feat since I know people with only 2 kids who say they do laundry everyday and it’s overwhelming. I only do laundry twice a week and I find it quite doable.

Though I should probably admit that my kids do most of it.

Great.

Now I’m starting to think I don’t have any super powers.

And just when I was about to brag about not being depressed.

Man.

Anyway, here’s proof about the pictures thing.

(Not that you needed proof.)

Otherwise, I could’ve named this: Photoshoot Disaster.

But that has such negative connotations.

So, what are your super powers?

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Pictures worth a thousand words, That was fun, The Dog, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

Happy New Year, better late than never, right?

Here, Ethan practices his smolder.

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Boys will be boys, This is going to be really funny one day

Black Friday: Part 4 “Oh, how soon we forget”

I’ll the end the suspense right now.

No, I did not go shopping on Black Friday. Or Crazy Thursday for that matter.

Or as our grandparents used to refer to it, Thanksgiving Day.

I teased Mr. French about it all day though. I’m sure he appreciated that.

On Wednesday though, I was driving slowly through a busy parking lot, on my way to a store to return something. I started to approach Best Buy and thought, Oh, they must be having a sale on tents. They’ve got them all set up.

Does Best Buy sell tents?

And then I saw the sign.

The Line Starts Here.

 

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Mr. French, This is going to be really funny one day

It’s official.

I’m a houseplant killer.

I know it’s hard to believe that someone who has managed to keep five kids and a husband alive for this long could kill any and all houseplants, but it’s true.

In fact, I’m so good at killing them, I’m thinking of teaching an online class.

Funny Friendship Ecard: I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

And I won’t even charge you.

That’s how passionate I am about it.

Plus, I’ll still get rich and famous, because I’m planning to bring a bunch of dandelions and bamboo and mint and stuff into the house, kill them, bottle up my magic potion and then sell it on late night infomercials.

And then I’ll have a Killing Houseplants for Dummies book.

And then a little workbook, with discussion questions and hands-on experiments that anyone can replicate in their own state-of-the-art-laboratory. Maybe you can have it in your book club?

And then I’ll probably do an audio book.

And maybe a follow-up How-to book on Wiping out the Rain forests or something.

And then when it comes out in paperback, you’ll see someone reading it on the beach and think, I knew that girl before she got rich and famous. Back when all she knew how to kill was the “easy” houseplants like succulents.

Yeah.

Sigh.

Hey, did you hear that my 6-week-old is 14 lbs?

Hmmm.

Another book deal maybe?

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, I confess, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

How to lose the baby weight, quickly and easily, every time

You guys, I promise this will work.

Step one: pick up the baby.

Step two: step on the scale.

Step three: Now this is the tricky part, step off the scale, put the baby down and then step back on.

Congratulations! You just lost 14 lbs!

(Yes, six weeks=14 lbs. Dude. Who is feeding this kid?)

(Don’t answer that.)

Pat yourself on the back and repeat as necessary.

Don’t have your own baby? Grab your dog or someone’s toddler.

Results may vary. Void where prohibited. Not recommended for use with cats or hamsters.

(The fluff is very deceiving.)

You don't get these kind of cheeks by sleeping all day. Wait....never mind.

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Boys will be boys, She's having a baby, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

Not that I’m suggesting you’re bored

But, you know, if you’re looking for something to do besides watch me not have contractions. (For the record, I usually feel like I could be in labor everyday for the last month. I usually have tons of contractions. It’s disconcerting that I’m not. Although, less painful, so I should be thankful, I guess.)

I’ll let you know when I get desperate and decide to go “jogging” at 9 months like my friend who shall remain nameless. (I’m sure those people slowing down to stare were just concerned for your safety.) (They probably weren’t laughing at you.)

Anyway, back to my point. Sometimes I run across things on the internet and I think, why didn’t someone tell me about this sooner? So, I’m going to be the friend who tells you about it.

Have you ever heard of Houzz.com? If you like to look at houses, for fun and education, this is my favorite site. You can theoretically, spend hours just looking at pretty kitchens. (Not that I would ever do that. Or go to bed at 2 am because of it. Ahem!) Or built-in bookcases. Or just colors that appeal to you. (Who knew I liked blue and orange so much?) (And, strangely, I like their iphone app as much as the website. That’s never happened with any other website.)

Pinterest.com is somewhat new, and I find it a little confusing still (or maybe chaotic?) but, it pulls me in every few days. It’s basically a place to put pictures (which are really only useful if they’re linked) for things that you like. The best part is when you follow someone. Because then you can look at their pretty pictures.

I tend to assume everyone has heard of Etsy.com, and yet I still run into people who’ve never been there. I just can’t imagine. I love etsy.com. It’s basically my go-to place for unique things. Everything is either handmade or “vintage” (found at a thrift store or garage sale and resold). You do have to wade through a lot of junk sometimes, but the nice thing is that you can save your favorites in your folder and then you can often find new things through other’s links, which means after awhile you don’t have to sift through the junk to find what you’re looking for. And what amazes me is that some people that I’ve followed for years are now selling their wares in big name shops (Anthropologie or Urban Outfitters, anyone?). (it’s mostly people who make jewelry and clothes but I’m sure there are others.) So, do you think Mr. French would let me redecorate our theoretical family room with a map theme? ‘Cause I really want this pillow. And this would be perfect in my old kitchen. And wouldn’t this be funny on our French letter bedspread? And last, but not least, do you think I could get this with a bowtie? (I mean, if we have a boy.)

And for a random assortment of blogs that you might find interesting:

Annie’s eats

Clients from Hell

Reagan’s Blob

Tales of me and the husband -I like to read other people’s stories.

August Fields -They built a house that I would gladly move into tomorrow.

Knight Moves -I would also move directly into her house, but maybe not with my kids.

The Local -This one might be hard to explain but I guess I find it interesting to see news from another country’s perspective. (Why not Sweden?)

22 words -the name doesn’t match the random assortment of stuff you can find on this site. But it’s usually interesting.

There you go. Something for everyone.

I would go for a jog now, but it is 103 outside. I think I’ll put it off until tomorrow when it’s supposed to be 105.

(Mr. French was just telling me that he was telling people at work that he was taking me to Six Flags this afternoon to ride rollercoasters. At least the kids will have fun. 🙂 )

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Everyone's an interior designer, She's having a baby