Category Archives: With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

Super powers

In my next life, I’d like to have the takes-good-pictures-of-kids-and-animals super power.

I mean, if we get to choose.

I don’t have that super power.

Yet.

My super power is being able to leave dishes in the sink until the next meal.

Well, it’s something I’m trying out. I’m actually not that good at it yet. But, I’m trying.

Come to think of it, I’m really good at not getting overwhelmed by the laundry.

I think it’s quite a feat since I know people with only 2 kids who say they do laundry everyday and it’s overwhelming. I only do laundry twice a week and I find it quite doable.

Though I should probably admit that my kids do most of it.

Great.

Now I’m starting to think I don’t have any super powers.

And just when I was about to brag about not being depressed.

Man.

Anyway, here’s proof about the pictures thing.

(Not that you needed proof.)

Otherwise, I could’ve named this: Photoshoot Disaster.

But that has such negative connotations.

So, what are your super powers?

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Pictures worth a thousand words, That was fun, The Dog, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

It’s official.

I’m a houseplant killer.

I know it’s hard to believe that someone who has managed to keep five kids and a husband alive for this long could kill any and all houseplants, but it’s true.

In fact, I’m so good at killing them, I’m thinking of teaching an online class.

Funny Friendship Ecard: I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I'm the person to do that job.

And I won’t even charge you.

That’s how passionate I am about it.

Plus, I’ll still get rich and famous, because I’m planning to bring a bunch of dandelions and bamboo and mint and stuff into the house, kill them, bottle up my magic potion and then sell it on late night infomercials.

And then I’ll have a Killing Houseplants for Dummies book.

And then a little workbook, with discussion questions and hands-on experiments that anyone can replicate in their own state-of-the-art-laboratory. Maybe you can have it in your book club?

And then I’ll probably do an audio book.

And maybe a follow-up How-to book on Wiping out the Rain forests or something.

And then when it comes out in paperback, you’ll see someone reading it on the beach and think, I knew that girl before she got rich and famous. Back when all she knew how to kill was the “easy” houseplants like succulents.

Yeah.

Sigh.

Hey, did you hear that my 6-week-old is 14 lbs?

Hmmm.

Another book deal maybe?

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, I confess, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

How to lose the baby weight, quickly and easily, every time

You guys, I promise this will work.

Step one: pick up the baby.

Step two: step on the scale.

Step three: Now this is the tricky part, step off the scale, put the baby down and then step back on.

Congratulations! You just lost 14 lbs!

(Yes, six weeks=14 lbs. Dude. Who is feeding this kid?)

(Don’t answer that.)

Pat yourself on the back and repeat as necessary.

Don’t have your own baby? Grab your dog or someone’s toddler.

Results may vary. Void where prohibited. Not recommended for use with cats or hamsters.

(The fluff is very deceiving.)

You don't get these kind of cheeks by sleeping all day. Wait....never mind.

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Filed under Apparently I have no shame, Boys will be boys, She's having a baby, Why does no one get my jokes?, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

But what will we joke about once this baby gets here?

Texts between the Mr. and I:

Me: How late do u think you’ll be tonight?

Mr. F: How frequent are your contractions?

Me: Every ten minutes. But they only last for 8.

Mr. F: Really?

Me: No

Me: We’re at the pool.

Me: 8 minute contractions? Really?

Mr. F: I thought you meant seconds.

___________________________________

Me: R we going to see that one tonight or not?

Mr. F: How frequent are your contractions?

Me: Every day.

___________________________________

Mr. F: Saying a bunch of stuff that’s not really pertinent to the story.

Mr. F: What is pertinent is that I couldn’t respond because I was driving.

Mr. F: Which left Mr. French hanging and wondering why I wasn’t responding.

Mr. F: So are you having a baby today?

Mr. F: Feelin’ sleepy for a nap?

Fifteen minutes later

Me: Sorry. These contractions are distracting. What were you saying?

Mr. F: Hahaha

Mr. F: You think you should pick me up then?

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Filed under Mr. French, She's having a baby, That was fun, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

Remember the good ole’ days when I got to do it all by myself?

The fighting has gotten so bad over here, I’m going to have to make up a schedule for who’s turn it is to empty the lint trap in the dryer.

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Filed under Aren't my kids funny?, This is going to be really funny one day, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

Fashion Forecast: Mom socks

I’m predicting that wearing your mom’s socks will be the next big thing.

Although, it’s probably a bad idea to interpret the runway fashions literally.

Some people can get away with it better than others.

I was way more excited about her wearing my socks than I was about her trying on my underwear.

On her head.

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Filed under Aren't my kids funny?, Girls are not boys, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth

How to confuse the post office in twelve difficult steps.

You might not need to do all of these. Use your own judgment.

Step one: Move to another town (we’ll call this addresss B). Forward your mail.

Step two: After six months move to another part of town (we’ll call this address C).

Step three: Consider yourself doing the post office a favor and put in a forwarding mail request a week ahead of time.

Step four: This will confuse the postman and he, upon seeing a “strange van” in your driveway, will spontaneously decide to forward your mail two days early. You can thank him at your convenience.

Step five: While residing at address C, and still receiving forwarded mail from addresses A and B, prepare to move back to address A.

Step six: Put in a forwarding mail request for address C to address A. (But not too early this time. We don’t want them taking matters into their own hands again.)

Step seven: The panic will hit a few days later when you realize that you might never get your mail as it is now in a continuous forwarding mail loop.

Step eight: Call the Post office. Wait on hold. Explain the situation in as simple terms as possible, trying not to sound like an idiot. (It’s hard. I should know.)

Step nine: Listen as she reads you the instructions for fixing a “mail forwarding loop”. Do not interrupt even if you do have important and pressing clarifying questions.

Step ten: After clarifying, listen as she then re-reads the previous material.

Step eleven: Go to post office in person, even if the person on the phone said it could be fixed on the internet and ask for instructions on how to fix a “mail forwarding loop”. (Try to go when there are less people around. But only if you’re easily embarrassed.)

Step twelve: After receiving completely different instructions, take half of the previous instructions, half of the new instructions, mix them together and stick a dozen new forms in the mail (one for each step, apparently).

Now pat yourself on the back. You’ve earned it.

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Filed under Moving is my hobby, This is going to be really funny one day, With tongue placed firmly in wall of mouth