Black thumbs

I thought we could use an update on my especially dark shade of black thumbs.

A new friend invited us to go to the Botanical Gardens with her and her family and while we were there, they were giving away little pots of herbs.

For free. (What are they thinking? Do they even care about plants?)

Against my better judgement, I let the kids pick out two. (Just two, I figured we should spare some lives.) We picked up a basil plant and a lavender plant.

My friend mentioned that she was a great plant killer, to which I exclaimed that I was better and we decided we should have a dual and see who could kill them faster.

Let me tell you, I am so winning this thing.

Can you see it? It’s the shriveled thing in the middle, the color of dirt. Yeah, I think that’s what lavender is supposed to look like.

Also? It’s the same pot the other plants were in. So, it’s obviously the pot. I mean, nobody can be this good at killing plants.

BTW, my friend is also quite skilled at moving, as her husband is also a contractor and it just now occurred to me that there could be a connection being moving a lot and black thumbs. I wonder if I could get my Ph.D. studying the connection? My thesis could be The Effects of Moving on the Extinction of the Botanics.

I think I probably should have left that last sentence in my head.

Anyway, the only thing killing me in the competition is this guy:

It appears to be growing.

And I don’t know what to do.

So, I’m doing nothing.

And that’s how I know I’m going to win.

Teething

Ethan is teething. He appears to be working on the top four. All at the same time. For weeks now.

Will you hate me if I tell you that I’ve never really had to deal with teething before?

You know how you don’t really know how easy you have it until the moment that you realize things could be so much worse? It reminds me of when I was about 6 weeks pregnant with my first and I bragged to Mr. French about how good I felt.

Man, what was it like to be that naive?

This last week has been filled with sleepless nights, crying, thrashing around, and multiple temper tantrums.

Even Ethan has been struggling.

Seriously though, how did my other kids sail through this so easily?

I keep thinking, surely tomorrow will be better. You can see the teeth. They’re right there. They just have to break through.

Except today, after the worst night so far, when I was just walking around in circles trying to keep him calm, after he’d taken his 15 minute nap, I started thinking that maybe he’s not teething. Maybe I’ve just been excusing all this bad behavior, and this is actually his personality.

Too bad I’m an optimist.

(Picture not from today.)

Maybe I’m just too subtle.

“We” sent this out with our annual new address announcement. I think only 1/4 of the people who responded got its subtle humor. Sometimes, I worry about me and my sense of humor.

You know, we never send out holiday greetings, but I just realized that we’re pretty faithful at sending out the “Hey, we just moved” greetings. So, I think I should probably stop feeling guilty about that now.

This was my first attempt. Mr. French nixed it. (Probably for aesthetic reasons.)

Anyway. Now you can see why I was trying to get a picture of Ethan with the dog. I had to wait until Molly was trying to take a nap.

Super powers

In my next life, I’d like to have the takes-good-pictures-of-kids-and-animals super power.

I mean, if we get to choose.

I don’t have that super power.

Yet.

My super power is being able to leave dishes in the sink until the next meal.

Well, it’s something I’m trying out. I’m actually not that good at it yet. But, I’m trying.

Come to think of it, I’m really good at not getting overwhelmed by the laundry.

I think it’s quite a feat since I know people with only 2 kids who say they do laundry everyday and it’s overwhelming. I only do laundry twice a week and I find it quite doable.

Though I should probably admit that my kids do most of it.

Great.

Now I’m starting to think I don’t have any super powers.

And just when I was about to brag about not being depressed.

Man.

Anyway, here’s proof about the pictures thing.

(Not that you needed proof.)

Otherwise, I could’ve named this: Photoshoot Disaster.

But that has such negative connotations.

So, what are your super powers?

Pictures worth a thousand words.

So, what do we have here? More presents for me? Oh, goodie.

Wait a second, is that what I think it is?

Why does everyone get me clothes?!

She wouldn’t. Would she?

So, every time a birthday or holiday comes up, I tend to be the parent that teases the kids, with the, “Oh, do people get presents on their birthday? I’ve never heard of such a tradition.”

Or my favorite, “Honey, did you pick up the Hello, kitty underwear for the boys? Did you get pink or purple? I think S would like purple.” This, of course, is perfect because they’re at the age where underwear is funny and girl stuff is gross.

My kids, of course, have figured me out and now say things like, “Oh, you’re just teasing. You wouldn’t do that.”

Well…I hate to disappoint.

And this, my friends, made my year.

I’ve got to figure out how to one-up myself next year.

(If you need an explanation, I wrapped three sets of BOY underwear and gave it to Felicity, then gave a pack of GIRL underwear to each of the boys.) (This was not all they got. The pile of presents was waiting just off camera. I just made them open these first.)

Air quotes

I was sitting in the car at a red light when the radio announcer started talking about the weather. I wasn’t paying close attention until I heard,

So get out your coats…

Hold on.

….Might be freezing.…

Really? Are we going to have another “cold” front?

….overnight.

Wait. Really?

…Low of 48 tonight and might be freezing in the Hill Country.

Oh, I get it!

You can’t see air quotes on the radio.

It’s going to be “long” “cold” “winter”!

I need to find my “coat”.

It’s official.

I’m a houseplant killer.

I know it’s hard to believe that someone who has managed to keep five kids and a husband alive for this long could kill any and all houseplants, but it’s true.

In fact, I’m so good at killing them, I’m thinking of teaching an online class.

And I won’t even charge you.

That’s how passionate I am about it.

Plus, I’ll still get rich and famous, because I’m planning to bring a bunch of dandelions and bamboo and mint and stuff into the house, kill them, bottle up my magic potion and then sell it on late night infomercials.

And then I’ll have a Killing Houseplants for Dummies book.

And then a little workbook, with discussion questions and hands-on experiments that anyone can replicate in their own state-of-the-art-laboratory. Maybe you can have it in your book club?

And then I’ll probably do an audio book.

And maybe a follow-up How-to book on Wiping out the Rain forests or something.

And then when it comes out in paperback, you’ll see someone reading it on the beach and think, I knew that girl before she got rich and famous. Back when all she knew how to kill was the “easy” houseplants like succulents.

Yeah.

Sigh.

Hey, did you hear that my 6-week-old is 14 lbs?

Hmmm.

Another book deal maybe?

How to lose the baby weight, quickly and easily, every time

You guys, I promise this will work.

Step one: pick up the baby.

Step two: step on the scale.

Step three: Now this is the tricky part, step off the scale, put the baby down and then step back on.

Congratulations! You just lost 14 lbs!

(Yes, six weeks=14 lbs. Dude. Who is feeding this kid?)

(Don’t answer that.)

Pat yourself on the back and repeat as necessary.

Don’t have your own baby? Grab your dog or someone’s toddler.

Results may vary. Void where prohibited. Not recommended for use with cats or hamsters.

(The fluff is very deceiving.)

You don't get these kind of cheeks by sleeping all day. Wait....never mind.

It’s Birth Week here on the blog

It’s just like Shark Week, but with more water.

Here’s a question for you.

What do you think we’re going to have?

(Did you notice that “twins” are not an option?)

(’cause they’re not. an. option.)

So, we’ve decided to prove that old saying wrong.

You know the one about “a watched pot never boiling”?

We think eventually it will.

Any minute now…

Although, maybe you actually need to watch water boil?

Well.

Maybe we should just go swimming, instead?*

(*told you there’d be more water 🙂 )